


Around The World (And Back Again)

by wildwordwomyn



Category: Moonlight (2016)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angst, Black Romance, Bullying, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Male Character of Color, Queer Themes, Requited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 12:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 5,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10360968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildwordwomyn/pseuds/wildwordwomyn
Summary: It starts at the end and ends at the beginning. Ain't that always the way?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Triggers abound in this. Let me know if I missed any? Lots of bullying and violence. Lots of angst. Seriously homophobic language. Juvenile court convictions and sentencing. (I apologize in advance for how wrong I got that stuff. I didn't research it and I have no first-hand experience so I'm 99.99% sure it's all wrong.)
> 
> Chiron gets beat up, beat down and turned inside out. He loses love, more than once, but he also finds it again. And by the end he finds himself.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juan walks into Little's life, into his heart. What he learns from him could move mountains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing graphic, nothing violent. Chiron is introduced to parental love and its not by blood.

Chiron has no last name, has no mother, has very little to call his own. He thinks it may be his fault, although he can’t explain why. All he knows is his name is Chiron but he’s known by Little.

The first person to call him something else scares him. He didn’t know what it meant to want until that moment. _Little Man_ shouldn’t feel special. It shouldn’t amuse him so he holds it in. His eyes, though, his eyes soften. There is no other choice.

Juan is kind. He keeps close in the way of enemies. It's confusing to Chiron. Unlike Terrell Juan doesn't hit him, punch him, kick him. Juan doesn't touch him except on his head. He wishes he could hold his hand. Or that Juan would hug him tight enough to steal his breath. Instead, the woman who gave birth to him will hold him against her breast, caress his cheek and call him her only. He doesn't understand why it feels like a lie.

The day Juan takes him to the beach and teaches him to swim is a dream. That’s how he sees it. Hazy yet fine, slow until every second picks up more speed than he can handle. He didn’t know people could float, let alone his compact frame. He expects his fear, his sadness to pull him under. But he is buoyant with Juan as his anchor. He’ll push the knowledge deep beneath the surface until it becomes invisible. Until it drowns him.

Chiron will remember this dream for years.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terrell bullies him first, but his mother bullies him last. And Kevin offers something less, and more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: violent bullying and homophobic language as well as parental emotional abuse. Hurt/comfort by way of a friend.

One day when Chiron is twelve years old Terrell corners him in a hallway at school. They are alone and Terrell appraises him, calling him a faggot with this hostile glint in his eye. Chiron can’t explain what the glint means, can’t find the right word to describe it. It goes beyond disgust, beyond frustration, beyond anger. There are times when his mama throws that same look at him. Terrell’s larger body vibrates with it, shakes with it. His gaze is black, his fingers flexing, obviously itching to smash, grab, rip him apart.

Terrell pushes his chest so forcefully he goes down like a domino. Once he’s on the ground Terrell kicks him in the solar plexus, making him throw up. It’s fitting that he wears the bruise for twelve days.

It’s the day Chiron understands hate.

Kevin asks why he moves slower while he heals. He says he tripped. He says he's not feeling well. He says he thinks he's caught an illness and coughs to prove it, and grimaces for real at the soreness that lingers. But Kevin sees right through him like always, offering some ice, offering to walk him to school after, offering comfort by holding his book bag. Kevin nods at the excuses because there is nothing else he can do. If he stands up for Chiron he will only take his place and Kevin is too cautious.

It is funny in a way. When Chiron is twelve Kevin starts brightening up around him more often. His mouth is tighter than it used to be, growing older he supposes, yet somehow becoming more giving. And his mama becomes less so. Growing older too?

His mama calls him a faggot on her birthday. He pretends she doesn’t mean it. Pretends it’s only the crack, the pipe and flame and smoke eating her piece by piece. She is a ghost these days and ghosts don’t mean anything. He shrinks into himself anyway, disappearing into the walls of their apartment for as long as it takes her to pass out or walk out into her next high.

Sometimes buoyancy is beneficial.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chiron, recalling a memory, learns what it means to need. And then he is punished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's more bullying. Not as graphic this time. And Chiron will figure out how touch can make and unmake him.

“Yo, Black,” Kevin calls out the day he turns sixteen. “What you want for your birthday?”

What you want? What does he want? Theresa will ask him the same question when she's cooking him dinner. What you want? Juan used to ask when he took him to the clothing store. He didn't have an answer then. He doesn't have one now. He is not allowed to want, he knows. He… he wants… oh God, he wants… Kevin is waiting for an answer, staring at him, his lips parted, plump, his hands too empty.

“I’m straight, Kev.”

Chiron fights the memory of his first inkling of desire for his best friend. Fights when he was fourteen and fell over gangly feet he hadn't yet gotten used to. Kevin catching him around the waist to keep him upright. It lasted a few seconds. It was over his shirt. Over his jeans. Over layers of indifference. Kevin was just helping a friend. They were at school in the boy's locker room changing after gym class. Chiron was already dressed while Kevin was missing his shirt. His hands were slightly chilly, impossibly warming his hips through to the bone, to his veins. Chiron exhaled cautiously, silently, his body stunned. Kevin carried on pulling his shirt over his head, chuckling at Chiron's awkwardness.

“Hey, we can hang at the beach tonight. Jus’ you and me.” His lips curl upward before Chiron can make them stop. “Yeah? A’ight.”

Kevin slaps him on the back before throwing a peace sign his way as he heads home.

Later Terrell will leave his own present as a fist print on his right side under his ribs. The pain will intertwine with the faint heat from Kevin's hand and he won't be able to distinguish between them once he sits beside Kevin on the shore. It won't matter he realizes. Kevin's touch is permanent, pressed into his core. Terrell's is the same, as is his mama's. What's worse is he can't figure out which hurts the most.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theresa asks a question Chiron isn't ready to answer. At least not in words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's that emotional repression I was talking about. Teenage Chiron is becoming more and more interested in sexuality and it's scaring him. Not graphic but Chiron does have a sexy dream about Kevin.

One night Theresa asks him if he has his eye on anyone. At school? Around the hood? Anyone? And she sounds so interested, so eager, that the name almost slips out. At the last second his throat closes up. Theresa hears a click, focuses elsewhere intentionally. He wouldn’t want a witness to his fear. He hasn’t transformed much over the years.

“Naw,” he states eventually. She pretends not to notice how many times he has to swallow just to force the syllable out.

“You will soon.” She smiles.

She knows something. He can read it in her eyes. He wants to say, _His name is Kevin. You know him. He’s my best friend and I’m afraid I’ve loved him too long to love anyone else._ More than anything he wants to ask, _Will it always be like this? This heart-stopping feeling of home?_ But he doesn't. He doesn't say another word. Instead, he helps her make up the guest bed, his gaze focused on the task in front of him. She wishes him a good night before leaving him alone. Outside the water laps peacefully against the shore but inside Chiron is a hurricane. Or maybe Kevin is the hurricane and Chiron keeps getting swept up.

Later he dreams in color. Dreams of Kevin's firm, rosy lips coming closer, closer, so close his breath skims across Chiron's mouth. When he gasps the other boy takes advantage, leaning in to kiss him deeply. An arm wraps around his waist to pull him in. Suddenly Kevin, bathed in moonlight, turns him around and bends him over, takes him over. Surrounds him. Fills him until he overflows.

Once he wakes up he is wet, ashamed, mad with desire. An hour passes as he struggles to drown the secret again.

But the tingle in his bones lasts the rest of his life.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chiron prays for substance. He receives laughter and tears instead. Maybe it's the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More bullying. Little can't catch a break. He's growing. Just not in ways that will help protect him. Kevin is the only light in his dark world. Until he isn't.

Chiron will not begin to change until the age of eleven. His legs ache as they stretch. His feet go numb in an instant. Finally, Chiron will be a big boy. Except he only grows taller, not wider. Not tough. Not solid. He becomes more shadow than young man. He prays each night to a man God to grant him more weight in this world, he needs it, but He is listening to other boys’ prayers or just not listening to Chiron's. Because Chiron keeps catching up in height. He is as tall as his bullies now, a perfect match to Terrell, but they are still stronger.

One day he is missing a shoe when he arrives home. His mama shows no concern, asking in exasperation where she is supposed to find the money for a new pair. He knows not to answer so he remains silent. She doesn't want to know his opinion anyway. Besides, it's rhetorical and meant to make him the guilty one. All she has to do is go outside and search the neighboring building's roof courtesy of Terrell. She goes to her bedroom, preparing to go out for the night, annoyed. She mumbles something about him being the pick of the litter. It isn't a compliment. He can't believe she said it loud enough for him to hear. He chooses not to believe.

For a week Kevin walks him home. It's nice, this fleeting feeling of safety. Of fearlessness. Chiron speaks little, but more than usual. And he laughs. Laughs like he is free. He has Kevin to himself for a few minutes each afternoon for the entire week. He wonders if heaven is like this. Then the week ends and Kevin admits his mama doesn't like him getting home later, that he can no longer walk Chiron home. He really should've known better.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin is beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No violence, no angst. This is young Chiron realizing something about Kevin. About himself.

The first time Chiron has the thought that Kevin is beautiful he is ten, already an old soul, but still too young to make a difference. Kevin is running around kicking a newspaper ball with Terrell and the other boys. Chiron is standing on the sidelines, stationary, observing. Anyone looking on would think he is watching them play. The truth is he is watching Kevin. The other boy is giggling like crazy, happy, alive in a way he has no idea how to be. His back is to the sun that lends a celestial glow. It blinds him so he closes his eyes, attempting to settle into his own skin. When he blinks Kevin is on the ground buried in a pile of careless male flesh. He giggles but he isn't the only one. It's allowed in this moment. What is not allowed is how, even though he can longer see him, Chiron discovers his friend's silhouette haunts him. Marks him. Brands him. It is his introduction to longing.

The second time is an hour later when Kevin walks him home. Along the way, Chiron notices he has blood on his jaw from a scratch. He wonders if it hurts, if it tastes as real as it seems. He turns Kevin's head, holds his chin in his capable hand, refusing to ask. He shouldn't even be staring, but he blames the late hour, blames not getting hit today, blames the heat rising off the other boy. He blames Kevin for letting him at all. Kevin calls him funny, which is supposed to be an insult. Is an insult until Kevin beams. Afterward, they race, flying through the air, their feet not touching the grass beneath.

Chiron will feel his heart clench whenever he is around Kevin every time after this. He will become so used to it he won’t notice it alter the course of his bloodstream, but it will. Permanently.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It begins with a touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Semi-graphic sex between two teenage boys. (In other words, that scene in the movie where Chiron and Kevin first give in to their lust for each other.)

It begins with a dream. With a flirty grin. No, it begins with a touch. At sixteen Chiron is a virgin. Nothing to be embarrassed about, especially with how the boys talk about girls. Almost as if sex is a job, a chore, something that has to be done rather than a shared moment, a connection. Kevin is worse than the others. His friend makes him wonder. Makes him, makes him hunger. Like nothing else he has even known before. He is sixteen, remade in a body that won’t keep up, with terms he can only use in another world.

One night under a full moon Kevin kisses him. An earthy smokiness heavy on his tongue. A hand on his neck keeping him from floating up into the stars. His own hand sinks into cool, gritty sand while Kevin gets acquainted with his flavor. His belt seems to undo itself while feverish fingers slide into his jeans, into his boxers. Kevin holds on, stroking him gently, tenderly. Does he notice how careful he is with Chiron? If he does there is no acknowledgment.

Once it’s over, once Kevin has released him and Chiron has been tucked back into himself, Kevin drives him home.

“You ain’t never done nothin' like that before, huh?” Kevin asks softly in front of his apartment building.

Chiron can’t speak, shakes his head, thinks _Couldn’t you tell? Wasn’t it obvious? Will it be my turn next time? Please?_

Instead, he takes Kevin's hand when it's offered, clutching it longer than what's acceptable. It's worth it, though, to see his need mirrored in Kevin's gaze. To know he's not wandering through this wilderness alone.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chiron is twenty-eight years old. He isn't innocent by any means. But the first time he makes love with Kevin as an adult it feels like he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non-graphic sex again. This time between adults.

At twenty-eight Chiron makes the choice to hold his future’s hand. He is cold, alone. He is scared. But Kevin smiles delicately, slowly. Kevin is scared too, only he steps forward despite the fear. He reaches out. Chiron can’t not do the same, can’t not meet him halfway. He reaches back, moving closer, gravitating into Kevin’s orbit automatically. His heartbeat speeds up, achingly so, as the other man’s fingers trail over his cheekbone, his jaw, his throat. He treats Chiron like he’s fragile, destructible, and he is. There’s no denying that fact. But Kevin makes him feel. He makes his walls crumble and his insides burn. Kevin makes him want to rise up from the ashes a new, a real, man.

At twenty-eight Chiron kisses another man for the first time, caresses another man for the first time. Opens up to another man for the first time. He lets him in, on purpose. And no one else will ever be able to compare to this. Kevin’s hairy chest becoming a perfect resting place for his head, his arms open, his warmth a balm to Chiron’s battered soul. His eyes shelter. Kevin pulls him against his body as if the act has no consequence. It doesn’t. Except to weaken his knees, to part his lips in a sigh. Kevin watches him with a reverent gaze now that Chiron grabs onto, surrenders to, returns. It’s easy, so damn easy, to remember how beautiful Kevin has always been. And this is his turn. He will not waste it on hesitation.

Kevin kisses using his lips, his tongue, like an artist uses paint on canvas, with his whole being. He uses his hands to wrap around Chiron’s hips, he uses his strength to ruin and rebuild him from the inside out. Chiron compares it to waves, making love with Kevin. Sometimes rough, sometimes mild, endless. He never gets tired, never waivers, never backs away. He will beckon because he can and because he knows Chiron will acquiesce. A nod, a word whispered huskily into Kevin’s ear, a well-placed fingertip in the middle of Kevin’s bottom lip. Chiron hungers and Kevin feeds him until he is full.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A grown up Chiron shares a little of his world now that Kevin's back in it. Not with his mother. At least not yet. Theresa makes the best kind of substitute, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chiron is an adult now. Still reconciling with his mother. Still distrustful. But he is trying.

The next time he sees his mama he isn't ready to talk about Kevin so he doesn't. He does discuss her getting better, her new friends, her life in Atlanta and how she never had much of a life before. They have more in common these days. He's unsure how to feel about it. It is what it is, though. And maybe, eventually, he'll tell her. He'll finally release some of those words he's been hoarding for too long. _I love, Mama. I’m still afraid, still filling Juan’s shoes here. But in Miami I am coming home. He is home, Mama._

He does begin to tell Theresa the next trip he makes to her house. Not enough, but. Something.

“I know now.” He locks eyes with her, a rarity in itself, to show what he means.

She immediately understands. “Kevin?”

“…You ain’t…?”

“Boy, look at me. I look anything other than happy for you?” She winks encouragingly, fondly.

“No ma’am.”

“Well, a'ight then…” She waits for more but Chiron’s courage is leaving him by degrees. “Next time, huh, Chiron?”

He nods. On his next visit, he'll, in halting fits and starts, attempt to explain that Kevin's eyes are the ocean and he is the shore waiting to be carried away. That whenever Kevin lays a hand on him he melts, he literally burns. He tastes ambrosia in Kevin's kisses, on Kevin's collarbone. That the sound of Kevin's voice when he laughs, when he screams, is music. A bittersweet soundtrack to his life. A life he is just now earning. On his next visit, Theresa will smile wide. She'll take his hand in hers, squeeze affectionately, let go before he can get too uncomfortable. Chiron will begin to find some peace.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chiron gives himself to Kevin in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Semi-graphic sex between Chiron and Kevin as adults where Chiron gives and Kevin takes. Or Chiron takes and Kevin gives...

Hips raised in submission, in anticipation, are a vulnerability. The skin is thin there, sensitive. He gasps when strong, unapologetic fingers grip him there to hold him in place. Kevin grins sexy and big, laughing low in his chest. Chiron is speechless but the sounds that rip out of him make up for it. This marks the fourth time they've made love since they found each other again. Chiron has been counting. So it shouldn't feel so new. Should it? He has no idea. Was it like this with Kevin's other men? His women? Even when he's aggressive with him, when he can't hide how much he wants him, Kevin never takes too much, and never without permission.

Like now. He's pausing, on hold, waiting for Chiron to say yes. So he does. Of course, he does. He kisses Kevin's laugh right out of his mouth, consuming it note by note as he arches until only his shoulders and feet are on Kevin's bed, begging. The other man groans loud, long, at the sensation of Chiron's muscular body against his own. He slips into welcoming heat that gives way easily. As if every inch of Chiron is yielding to him. He pushes him toward the mattress gently, continuing to kiss Chiron slowly. Kevin likes to take his time, likes to observe his face because it never disappoints. Likes how Chiron's expression is made up, his entire body is made up, of pleasure and pain. Chiron breaks so beautifully. He doesn't mean to. Meaning doesn't stop it from happening, though, and Kevin isn't content until he has witnessed each second of the process. Afterward, when Chiron falls back to the land of the living with tears in his eyes Kevin is there to catch him. He will clean them both up, then lovingly cradle Chiron in his embrace. Chiron certainly deserves no less, he's learning. He'll be a little sore, a little embarrassed, yet he will go to sleep still feeling his man inside him, and dream the best of dreams.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terrell corners Chiron who knows no one will be coming to save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terrell bullies Chiron. There is homophobic language, cursing and physical violence in this.

The day he turns thirteen it's a Friday. Terrell has cornered him in the alley behind his apartment building. His mama isn't home yet from work. Which is neither good nor bad. Even if she knew what was going on less than twenty feet away he doubts she would do anything about it. About Terrell slapping him in the face, asking why he's a faggot, asking why he runs like a girl. Questions Chiron has no answers to. Terrell asks what he dreams about, if he's dreamed about him. And Chiron is scared. He flinches away from each slap but he can't move. Terrell has a tight hold on his arm, keeps jerking him close the second he tries to step back. Usually, his boys are with him, egging him on. Today the friends are somewhere else and they are alone.

“Why you like this? All girly and shit? Why can’t you be a man? Damn, Chiron! You gon’ get fucked up!”

Chiron, to this day, doesn't know why Terrell hates him or feels the need to beat the difference out of him. More than anything he knows you can beat something that immaterial down, but not out. He's also confused as to why the bully has taken on this duty. As if he is Chiron's keeper. He starts to sigh in resignation, gasps in pain as the boy's fist pummels his stomach. Chiron crumbles. The fist follows him to the ground, then a foot flies out toward his crotch. He assumes the fetal position, he's been here before, protects the most vulnerable parts of his body. Terrell will tire soon, and there's always tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow he'll get to see Kevin. They'll spend time talking or sitting in silence, smoking a joint on the beach or walking around the neighborhood. They'll be together. And it's a nice thought. So nice Chiron no longer feels the suffering within. It'll come back soon enough. For now, Chiron pretends.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knock Down Stay Down is supposed to be a game. Isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bullying and violence again. This time it's the scene in the schoolyard where Terrell talks Kevin into hitting the boy he kissed the night before.

It's called Knock Down Stay Down. It's a game. One Chiron has never understood the point of. Instead of the usual bullies, it's other kids, more timid kids, who get to hit someone as hard as they can. Show their strength, hide their weakness. Hit and hit and hit until the victim lay unmoving on the ground. You even get extra points if you knock the other kid out cold. Bragging rights for weeks. All the boys considering you with a little more respect. Knock Down. Stay. Down. Chiron was never picked to be anything other than the victim. Once high school started the boys stopped playing it. They were too busy chasing girls, cars, manhood. Chiron thought he was safe.

Last night Kevin kissed him, touched him, inhaled him like air. It was innocent and beautiful, Kevin’s tenderness addicting. Chiron still feels him, still tastes him, when they are all out in the schoolyard. Kevin is staring at him, pleading with him. But this is not Chiron’s game. It’s Terrell’s, and Terrell wants blood to spill. Kevin punches the same mouth he sipped from the night before, once, twice, three times before being pushed out of the way so Terrell and his boys can have a go. That’s not supposed to be how the game is played. Those aren’t the rules you follow. Everyone knows that. Only no one interrupts, just watches as Chiron disappears, as he stains the concrete a violently rich red.

He wonders where Kevin is. Is he on the sidelines willing Chiron to stay down? Did he run away in horror? Is he less than a foot away, a universe away, wanting to cry? Or is he reminiscing about last night and how right being this close to Chiron felt, wishing they were back on that beach? Just the two of them. What he might’ve done if he had more time, more courage, more privacy. Chiron wants to despise Kevin for showing him a piece of heaven only to take it away again, but he can’t. He just. Can’t.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin apologizes for his part in hurting Chiron as a kid, then confesses his love. And Chiron begins to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgiveness is requested and granted. Mention of sex. Mention of bullying. Nothing graphic. A little bit of fluff.

“I done you wrong back then, Black. I know that. And I been feelin' bad bout it ever since. I was young and dumb. Too busy doin' what everyone else wanted me to do when I shoulda been doin' what I wanted to do. I’m real sorry. So I’m askin' yo' forgiveness.”

They are in Kevin’s bed, resting from a round of enthusiastic lovemaking. It’s midnight and all is quiet. They can hear the water gently rolling up onto the shore outside the window. And Kevin likes to talk after sex. Chiron thinks it’s that he likes to talk to him after sex. Maybe he figures it’s fair to be the one to concede in this way. Whatever the reason, Chiron almost yells at him to shut up. He doesn’t want to go back to that day. That betrayal, that spike of pain in his heart as if it was actually cracking. That jump-started his spiral into hyper-masculinity, into becoming Black. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t feel such agony ever again.

"Okay," he responds. It's not what he thought would come out, not what he was thinking. But it's what he says. And he might even mean it. The man holding him is different now. No longer a teenager, no longer a fool. He's earning his place in Chiron's life, giving more than he did those days. Chiron sees it. He does. "I'm straight, Kev. We straight."

“Yeah?” He pulls him in tighter, his next inhale hitching at the end. “Okay…” Kevin’s heartbeat slows into a more manageable rhythm. “Good, cause I gotta tell ya somethin'.”

Chiron tenses, wary. It’s been six months since they’ve become this thing. He doesn’t know what to call them. Lovers? Boyfriends? Partners? Maybe there is no description. They are everything and more.

“I love you, Chiron. And you ain’t have to say it back. Ain’t no expectations. I just wanted to let you know. I love you.”

If a sob escapes Kevin doesn’t call him on it. He can’t repeat the words, not yet, but he laces his fingers through the other man’s and places a caring kiss on his chest over his heart. Kevin understands.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black is as hard as stone until his mama asks him not to be. As much as he wants it to be it's not too late and her declaration of love makes his walls start to crumble. He isn't ready yet so he runs to Kevin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing graphic here. Closure between Chiron and his mama.

The first time his mama claims to love him, to be sorry, he is a grown up. He’s following in Juan’s footsteps. He is cut glass and sharp around the edges. He is in a place he calls home but he can’t smell the beach in the air, can’t feel it on the breeze. He sells dope to people who share too many of his own features, of his mama's. But. Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do. He does not feel guilty. That’s how he convinces himself anyway. Did it work with any better with Juan?

The glass splinters right along the middle at the determination in her eyes. She means it. And a tear, a tear rolls out before he can stop it. Because it is the first time she is providing what he needs. He doesn’t say it back, isn’t ready to reciprocate quite yet, but he hugs her. He holds her. It’s enough. He has always loved her. That much is clear. It always seemed like a secret until now.

He wants to tell someone, wants to finally declare, _She loves me_. _Maybe now it won’t be because she has to…_

When he jumps in his car later, Classic Man bass rumbling like his engine, his first thought is to go to Kevin. A boy with smooth hands, rough language, a boy who, for a few hours one night, loved him too. A man who loves him still? Oddly, he has faith that Kevin will understand. He’s always understood Chiron like no one else. That can’t have changed too much since they last saw each other. Can it?

And how would his mama react if she knew how much he's missed him, needed him back in his life? Would she love him if he ever confessed that Kevin has always been his only?

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chiron hates Terrell. He's just not very good at it. But he pays the price for his hate anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of a victim turning on his bully and paying the consequences. (The scene where Chiron tries to break Terrell's back.) Talk of drug trafficking. And I have never gone through the juvenile court system so more than likely all the facts in this are not real. My apologies. I worked with what sounded good instead of what was realistic. And I'm way too lazy to do the research. Forgive me?

In a rage, Chiron attempts to split Terrell’s back in half. He is charged and sentenced as a juvenile by the courts, then moved to a facility in Atlanta. He learns Terrell is bruised, his spine swollen for days, but returns to school a few weeks later. He doesn’t know what’s worse. Not being able to leave scars like his bully has left on him, or staring at those scars while he sits in his cell.

He refuses to miss his mama. Or Miami. Or the ocean. The fierce haze settling over the streets he ran around. The melodic whistling of wind through palm tree leaves. The sweaty sheen coating male flesh he isn’t supposed to notice. Beautiful brown bodies growing, adapting with the seasons. The abandoned apartment Juan first found him in. The fast food joint he took him to. Juan's house and Theresa’s sweet disposition. Kevin. He will not miss Kevin. Unless every breath counts, which he's pretty sure does.

There is another boy here with pretty, light skin and pretty brown eyes. A boy he secretly looks at, who looks at him. His name is Carlos. He speaks Spanglish to his friends, weaving in and out of both languages effortlessly. Chiron listens, interested despite himself. But no one knows. Carlos becomes another secret to keep. Especially once he meets eighteen-year-old D-Block. He never learns D's real name. It doesn't matter. D hasn't met Little or Chiron. Chiron can be as bad as he wants to be now. And being bad long enough turns him black on the inside. When Carlos is almost killed for getting caught in a shower stall with another boy Black watches the aftermath, the loud siren, the nurses, the blood dripping from the corner of Carlos's mouth, in silence. D huffs in indignation and turns away. Black follows, filling his veins with ice. For the next 2,500 days he is as cold, as hard, as the cage that contains him.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chiron doesn't ask questions of Kevin. Especially not about his past lovers. Kevin answers him anyway. He has no choice anymore where Chiron is concerned. And Chiron finally says the "L" word to Kevin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst. A small amount of fluff. But mostly angst. Chiron and Kevin are working things out.

Chiron doesn’t ask questions. Questions lead to answers he may not want. So he does not ask questions. But he listens to every word when Kevin talks. He always has. Since they were children. Now that they’re men. Kevin admits that the mother of his child was never his first. Sex or love. They were too young, they were immature, they were unprepared. He also admits being unprepared for the first boy he ever kissed. Chiron knows it wasn’t him but he still finds himself feeling a little jealous. The other man won’t say who. Won’t reveal anything more than a vision of short dreads and chocolate-colored skin. It’s vague enough to describe ten different kids they went to school with back then. He gets even more jealous when Kevin says a little more about the first boy he had sex with. Light complexion, thin lips, hazel eyes, muscular legs. Someone he met at a dance club in Fort Lauderdale.

He doesn’t ask _Was he better than me? Did you like him? Did either boy get light-headed when you touched them the way I did?_ And he’s older now. It shouldn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. Even if he had feelings for them. Loved either of them. Didn’t care about either of them. Chiron doesn’t need those answers. Somehow Kevin reads his insecurity, tells him anyway.

"I was a dumb kid, Black. Did lotta things I shouldn't. Tryin' to forget you. But I couldn't. I kept fightin' and fightin' jus' to get you outta my head. But I never did." Kevin watches him from across his small kitchen floor, his expression open, raw. "…It was always you…"

It's a heady thing, being the cause of so many mistakes, so much life. Misdirected passion gifted to others that was meant for him. Chiron has no idea if he should be scared, upset or excited. He ends up being all three instead. Overwhelmed, he walks toward Kevin, lost yet found. When he kisses Kevin the other man is the one to fall.

“I love you,” Chiron murmurs over and over again.

The conversation isn't over. In fact, it's just beginning.

 

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a long time since I've written anything this long or with so many chapters. Does it suck? Let me know. But be kind okay? *runs and hides*


End file.
